How to ‘Home Alone’-Proof Your Home: A Guide to Outsmarting Burglars the Kevin McCallister Way

A simple guide to Wet Bandit-proofing your home—So easy an 8-year-old could do it!

It would be fair to assume that most people (even the more apathetic movie-watcher among us) have seen or at least heard of the cult-classic “Home Alone,” and are familiar with Kevin McCallister’s tactics to keep those burglarizing fools (aka the Wet Bandits) out of the family home.

If we’re thinking realistically here, the Wet Bandits probably wouldn’t have made it past Kevin’s first attempt to stray them off—you know,where he dumped freezing cold water on the snow-ridden steps—as they likely would have suffered severe injuries. However, seeing as you can’t predict the timing (and in this case the season) of a home invasion, like your mama always says, it’s better to be safe than sorry.
So, just like those doomsday preppers or those anticipating a zombie apocalypse, you’ll be prepared for anything.
Whether you’ve seen the movie or not, we can all learn a little something on ultimate resourcefulness from the eight-year-old troublemaker turned home-invasion specialist.
Here is a KeeEEVIN-approved guide on how to Home Alone-proof your home:
1. Prepare a “battle” plan
A good rule of thumb for pretty much anything is always be prepared. What’s your battle plan? What are all the possible ways intruders can enter? Are the doors locked? What about the windows? Don’t forget the doggy door! Even the wettest of the Wet Bandits will try and squirm their way through that one. The battle plan is also a good place to start brainstorming potential household items that can be turned into weapons of burglarizing destruction in case those pesky fools actually do make it inside.
End your battle plan with a little self-encouraging pep talk because THIS IS YOUR HOUSE AND YOU HAVE TO DEFEND IT! If you can’t think of anything, feel free to use Kevin’s example; “This is it, don’t get scared now.” And boom, you’re ready to rock-and-roll, or in this case, outsmart your invaders.
2. Create an illusion
In case you notice any lurking figures, a good way to ward off any potential threats is to create the illusion that you’re not alone. If you don’t have any dummies laying around with which to play puppet-master like Kevin did, that’s OK! Cardboard cutouts of other intimidating characters will suffice. Kevin uses a cutout of Michael Jordan, but feel free to pick from a variety of intimidators like Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris or Hulk Hogan. If need be, grab your little sister’s toy dolls—because we can all agree those things are creepy. Lastly, throw on some background music (if Christmas music is your vice, that’s OK too) and voilà, you have yourself a party. This can thereby create the illusion you are not alone, making you a much less easy target.
3. Cover your bases
If there’s something out there that’s making you feel uneasy and you want to cover your bases, a good starting point is lining your home’s entrances with the aforementioned household items turned weapons of burglarizing destruction. Per Kevin’s case—Christmas ornaments. If it’s not the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, have no qualms; he also uses toy cars. So really, a variety of items you may have stored around the house like tacks, LEGOs, even marbles should do the trick. This way, if someone does happen to get inside, you temporarily slow them down by injuring them AND you’re able to hear them coming in, allowing you to prepare for your next move. Bam: two birds, one “stone”.
4. Set your traps
Alright, you’ve done the best you can, but somehow the bandits have worked their bandit magic and found a way inside. Don’t panic—you’re in good hands. Remember your battle plan and list of items that can be turned into weapons? Now is the time to put your booby-trap-making abilities to the test. Grab some string, a few old paint cans, an iron, a shovel, even a loose tarantula if you can find one.
Kevin showed us that our home is our booby-trap oyster, so don’t be afraid to get a little creative with this step.
Following Kevin’s guide, your best bet, after the bandits stumble and fall from stepping on Christmas ornaments, toy cars, LEGOs, etcetera, is to tie some string to a paint can and then tie that to the top of the stairs. When you hear your foes nearing the stairs, get in optimal paint-can-launching position, wait until they are almost half way up and BOMB’S AWAY! Launch that sucker right into your invaders and watch them fall.
Hopefully now you have a better idea of how to be prepared in case of a home invasion. Follow this guide and if you ever find yourself in a similar bind, just remember these four letters—WWKV—’What Would Kevin Do?’